When George Michael died last Christmas , the timing seemed to heighten the sense of tragedy.
Aged just 53, he was almost as well known for his long battle with personal demons as for his musical genius.
Also very private, his sudden passing left adoring fans believing they would never know the truth of the star’s torment or if he had found peace.
But days before he died, George was working on a documentary about his life. The show is set to air next week – and heartbreakingly, it reveals that Christmas was already linked with two of the worst moments of his life.
George Michael said losing his mum and the love of his life in six months was the darkest moment of his life
The singer was working on a documentary about his life before he died
Viewers will hear the emotional singer say he felt “picked on by the gods” as he opens up about his pain at losing both his true love and his beloved mother in the space of five years.
And he sheds a touching new light on one of his most famous performances.
Hauntingly, George reflects: “From the day I found out about my partner to the day I can say I was on the mend from my mother, it was just constant fear. It was either fear of death, or fear of the next bereavement. I’d never felt that kind of depression. It was the darkest time.”
George reveals that on Christmas Day in 1991, he was waiting to find out if partner Anselmo Feleppa had been diagnosed with Aids. He said it was “the darkest, most frightening time in my life” as he sat with his family – dad Jack, mum Lesley and sisters Yioda and Melanie – in the UK while Anselmo was in LA.
Speaking in Channel 4’s George Michael: Freedom, he says: “I sat at the Christmas table not knowing whether my partner, who the people around the table did not know about... not knowing whether the man I was in love with was terminally ill.”
George was 27 when he met Anselmo in January 1991, spotting the Brazilian fashion designer in the front row at the Rock in Rio concert at the Estadio do Maracana. “At the front of 160,000 people there was this guy over at the right-hand side of the stage that just fixed me with this look,” George says.
“He was so cute. I was so distracted by him, I stayed away from that corner, because otherwise I thought I was going to get really distracted and forget the words. The moment I looked at him I got the feeling he was going to be a part of my life.”
Having become the world’s biggest-selling artist in 1988 after the release of debut solo album Faith, George found the spotlight isolating without Wham! bandmate Andrew Ridgeley sharing it.
“Anselmo was the first time I think I really loved someone selflessly,” says George. “He was very full of energy, very loving. I was happier than I’d ever been.
“It’s still very hard for me to explain how finding a companion at that stage in my life changed me. And such a beautiful companion, an amazing person.”
A few months into their relationship, Anselmo developed a lasting flu and they were at George’s LA home when he was advised to take a HIV test.
“I remember the terror of me understanding that this was possibly the beginning of an illness,” says George.
Not wanting to spoil George’s Christmas, Anselmo did not fly to London to deliver his diagnosis until the New Year. In the documentary, which features home movie footage of the couple, George says: “I was absolutely devastated to find out he had a terminal illness... just devastated.”
In the meantime, George’s friend Freddie Mercury had died of bronchial pneumonia caused by Aids. When George sang Queen classic Somebody to Love in tribute to the rock icon at Wembley Stadium in April 1992, Anselmo was in the audience – but he was sworn to secrecy about his illness.
“I went out there knowing I had to honour Freddie Mercury and I had to pray for Anselmo,” says George.
“I just wanted to die inside. I was so overwhelmed by singing the songs of this man I had worshipped as a child, who had passed away in the same manner my first living partner was going to experience. The performance most well known in my career was sung to my lover who was dying.”
Anselmo had returned to Brazil for a blood transfusion in March 1993 when he died of a brain haemorrhage, aged 33. A friend called George in LA, to deliver the news. “Then it all goes blurry for a long time,” recalls George. “He still – 23 years later – brings a tear to my eye. He was my saviour.”
George channelled his heartache into an ongoing legal battle with his record label, Sony. He had felt his 1990 album Listen Without Prejudice Vol 1 was marketed poorly and accused Sony of “professional slavery”.
Lifelong friend and former manager David Austin, who was co-director and executive producer on the 90-minute documentary, said George learned that Anselmo was dying during the court case.
He says: “All these things happened at the same time. Obviously nobody knew, he hadn’t come out at the time. He was on the stand... he hadn’t come out, his boyfriend was dying, he was holding this close to his chest, which was just devastating for him.”
George lost his High Court battle in July 1994. “The whole thing was a complete waste of time,” he says.
Bought out of his contract by Virgin, his grief inspired the 1996 album Older, including his ode to his lost love, Jesus to a Child. But as George started to cope with his grief, he was dealt another devastating blow.
“I had about a six-month period where things were OK and then I found out that my mother had cancer.”
In December 1996, Lesley was told the disease was terminal and she was allowed home from hospital to spend a final Christmas with her family.
George was at her side for her final few days at London’s Charing Cross Hospital in February 1997.
“I was so spiritually crushed after mum died,” says George. “So crushed and felt so bloody picked on by the gods. For all of my adult life she was phenomenal. Terrible, horrible loss.” He admits he “hit rock bottom” in the following years, sinking to a new low from which he never fully recovered.
“I took it very, very badly,” he reflects. “I’d never felt that kind of depression. It was something different to grief. It was on top of grief, I was grieving for my mother still, but it was something else. It was the darkest time.”
In September 2016, George invited Radio 4’s Kirsty Young to his home in Goring-upon-Thames, Oxon, to conduct the rare and candid interview, which would provide the audio for his narration to the film.
Tragically, George was found dead in bed on Christmas Day at the home, killed by heart and liver disease.
In March, he was buried beside his mother in Highgate Cemetery.
His almost-finished work will be aired next week with a new introduction by model Kate Moss and features stars including Liam Gallagher, Mary J Blige, Elton John and Stevie Wonder.
George’s more recent troubles are not dwelled upon. Struck down with pneumonia in 2011, he spent weeks in intensive care in Vienna. And in 2013 he was airlifted to hospital after falling from his Range Rover at 70mph on the M1. Neither episode is mentioned – nor are his 13 years with Texan art dealer Kenny Goss, or his five years with Fadi Fawaz, who found his body.
Celebrities including Tracey Emin refer to how he “came out in a big way” after he was arrested for a lewd act in 1998, referencing his disco hit Outside.
His prison sentence for crashing his Range Rover into a Snappy Snaps in 2010 is skimmed over as Ricky Gervais discusses his appearance in Extras.
David explains “he didn’t really do much, career-wise” in his last two decades. But he confirms George was working on new music, which will be released. And despite the sombre theme, David insists George did eventually find happiness – stating that “he was a very happy, contented man”.
In footage found after George died and added to the film, he is asked how he would like to be remembered and says: “As a great singer-songwriter... who had some kind of integrity.”
And after a pause and a chuckle, he adds: “It’s very unlikely... I think it’s all been a waste of time and effort.”
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